you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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