just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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