My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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