I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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