I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just googled if crying burns calories
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
