i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
