i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
