Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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