i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
