Betty ford says i'm here all night
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
