alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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