she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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