Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
