my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
they're like a gay fantastic four
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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