Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
