You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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