So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
