I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
