My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
