My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
