Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
