Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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