Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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