I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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