i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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