I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
