haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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