finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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