You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
