I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Four minutes until I can fart!
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
