Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
