dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
