her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
