the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
