Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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