you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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