There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
