next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
