Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
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