Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
