Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
