I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
That accounts for only three of the penises
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
