My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
