none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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