Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
