God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
