someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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