I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
we're making bets on your personal life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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