I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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