it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
