i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize