yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
