Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
