if i can run in heels then i can drive
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
