You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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