Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
